Saturday, October 30, 2010

200th entry


tahniah2 tuan punya blog sbb berjaya membebel kat sini sampai cukup 200 posts!

tapi malangnya post ini akan berkisar ttg final exam. -____-

tak ready pape pun lagi! malam nh MUNGKIN akan baca intonation. petang nh akan beli stationery dan print exam slip. oh ya, dan buat report pasal kad matrik rosak (esok exam baru nak hegeh hari nh kannn. pffft).

ok lah, tu je. nak keluar makan and jenjalan dgn ungku. bapak tak sedar diri. :D

Thursday, October 28, 2010

nightwalk

a friend of mine once asked "what did you do when you went lepaking at nights?"
the answer, i observed.

1. the sky. oh God, aku sgt suka tengok langit. sometimes langit malam is not entirely pitch black. it's more to gray and blue-ish, sometimes you can see the clouds arranged neatly row by row. then, the moon and the stars - aren't they beautiful enough? walaupun langit kat KL and subang and kajang takde bintang sgt, it makes me appreciate the sight of them more. :)
p/s: i love taking pictures of the sky. heeee.


otw balik dari kajang.


the same.


otw pegi buka puasa kat hakim.


dalam kereta nak pegi putrajaya. langit mendung+cerah!


err. ini googled. :D


2. the people. saya sgt suka observe perangai manusia. bila jalan jauh, dpt nampak org lepak2 kat mamak, and taman permainan, and depan 7E or McD. bila pergi BB dpt tengok org baru balik clubbing or org muntah2 sbb minum byk sgt. tengok org lepak tepi jalan. tengok org gaduh. tengok org rempit. tgk org drift. tp kdg2 saya takut dgn mereka2 ini, they look dangerous -___-


googled: nightclub women at KL.


3. the wind. have you felt the night winds before? oh, it's so cool and relaxing. it makes you wanna shout in joy of what a wonderful feeling it is. sometimes the night breeze is warm, it makes you feel like home. :)



4. the roads. bila pergi tempat2 yg tak pernah pergi, mcm subang, i'll try to memorize the routes. or try to search for a significant building/signboard/turn to remember. sumpah seronok.


fake but cute!



5. the lights. oh they have gotta be the best of all! lampu jalan di waktu malam sgt cantik, kekadang cuba try nak snap tp sbb cam phone aku lopek, gambar blur2 je. kalau aku ade dslr takut tak larat pulak nak snap masa motor tgh bergerak. heee.

i-city.


mahkamah dpn dataran merdeka. sumpah cantik.



thanks ayai sbb bwk aku jumpa ungku malam nh. :')


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

needy

when the visions around you

bring tears to your eyes

and all that surrounds you

are secrets and lies

i'll be your strength,

i'll give you hope,

keeping your faith when it's gone.

the one you should call

was standing here all along.


i still haven't found someone suitable to sing this to me.
the truth is, people come and go.
there's no one who really sticks with you.
no, no, they have much better things to do.
and yet they'll say i'm selfish when i say this.

oh God, i need a COMPANION.
friends i already have too much than i wanted,
but only too little that comes when i needed.




Tuesday, October 26, 2010

dosa

dah bertimbun-timbun sekarang ni.

i just know, sbb tanda-tanda dia mmg obvious:

1) selalu rasa nak marah

2) rasa rezeki dan ilmu yg aku belajar, takde berkat

3) malassss

4) kuat mengutuk orang

5) too much negativity

6) bad mood

tak boleh jadi nh. kena topup amal ibadah. nasib baik Tuhan tu penyayang, kalau tak mesti dia dah kelukan lidah aku nak sebut nama dia (Nauzubillah T___T). aku tak nak jadi org yg tak diberkati, org yg sesat. tak kiralah result bagus pun, kalau Tuhan or cikgu2 tak berkat, tak guna jugak. hmm. rasa down tiba-tiba.

selama nh aku yg suruh org think positive. now it's my turn.

atiqah shaharudin, sila think positive about yourself and your surroundings. sila ignore perangai2 buruk manusia yg anda nampak. sila cuba sebaik mungkin utk menjaga hati org lain.

ya Allah, berkatilah hidup aku. aku takut. :(


i'm rambling, please go away *sobs*

Monday, October 25, 2010

annoyed yg cuba utk diminimumkan effectnya.

makhluk nh suka keluar tiba-tiba dgn geng aku yg lain, tp tak roger semua ahli.

okay, tu tak kisah lagi. lepas tu siap ada nerve utk call ahli lain (kami) just utk jealouskan kitorang. like whatta? kau nak lepak pegi mam kau lah. aku tak kisah, tak amek peduli.

tapi bila kau call aku; tag nama aku dekat gambar kau bergembira semata-mata utk jealouskan aku, baik tak payah! aku pun tak hingin nak ada skali kat situ.

and oh yeah, bila dia lepak dgn aku pulak, dia akan cakap "aku lepak dgn kau sbb nanti kau tacing dgn aku". pergh ayat kau sumpah mcm sial. aku boleh buat tons of better things than lepak dgn kau lah.

lagi satu, mulut dia mmg gila babi punya kuajaq. konon nak buat lawak. tapi sumpah offensive and tak lawak pun. mcm nh "dulu kita outing, kau la yg paling org tengok. sbb kau kerek, mcm budak baru nak naik". amboi sedap gila. dulu bukan aku yg keluar outing and berlagak sbb tak pyh pakai baju asrama segala. and dulu bukan aku yg buat lawak and bising2 supaya org pandang.

babe, kau antara kawan yg akan aku lupakan bila kau tak contact aku. i'm serious here. after all, kau BUKAN ahli kumpulan kami. ada paham tu?

some people.


bosan

dgn org berlagak.

dgn org sensitif.

dgn org tak reti ckp elok-elok.

dgn org yg jump into conclusions.

study. eh?


ya Allah, aku sayang dia. sumpah aku sayang.
tapi aku taknak buat dosa.
betapa aku try pun, mesti aku akan end up pegang dia.
aku tak nak.
tak nak sayang dia lebih dari aku sayang Tuhan.
aku tak ada hak nak kata dia milik aku
dan pegang-pegang dia mcm betul dia dah jadi milik aku
when it's obvious, God owns us both.
but it's just so hard. :'(

lepas ni, aku nak jaga dia dan diri aku sendiri.
taknak pegang dia, kotorkan dia.
supaya bila dia ditakdirkan kahwin dgn perempuan lain nanti,
dia bersih dari kotoran2 dosa aku nh.
supaya bini dia jadi org yg betul2 ada hak nak pegang, sentuh dia.

ya Allah ya Tuhanku,
jika dia ditakdirkan untukku dan aku ditakdirkan untuknya,
maka peliharalah kami dari batas-batas syariah.
jika dia tidak ditakdirkan untukku dan aku tidak ditakdirkan untuknya,
maka jauhilah aku dari mengingatinya
dan jauhilah dia dari mengingatiku.

Amin.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

i'm back


apparently, i've un-private my blog because there're no more heart-wrenching (for some yg kuat terasa) entries that i'm gonna put here.
perasaan sudah kembali normal.
no more maroh2 badmud2.
lagipun kan tak elok dendam lama-lama.
(baru reti bercakap la skang hehe)

for those i've hurt with my words here, i am deeply sorry.
i love you guys. ;)

Friday, October 22, 2010

sometimes


i'm glad i've made my blog private for now.
it's so tiring, having to take care of people's feelings.
it's my blog kan, aku pun dah tulis trang-tang-tang kat url blog aku tu.
and i've stopped stating people's names in here,
so lepas nh kalau kau nak trase, suka hati kau lah.
kalau kau tak buat, mesti kau tak terasa.
lagi geram tu, sometimes post aku bukan psl mereka pun. -___-

i'm glad i took in some of people's advices.
lagi2 about "patience is a virtue".
abg kesayangan aku hantar msg wish goodnight.
sumpah terharu rasa nak nangis.
he hasn't forgotten me. :')

when people keep coming to me for a bit of happiness and relief,
i'm glad cuz i can help them.
but after a while i get tired.
i also need positiveness from people. :(
what you get, can you please give some back?

overall, still glad.
am relaxing tonight with sai and ayai.
takde rasa nak belajar pun, it's already 3.20 am.
i'm relieved. glad. happy. moved.





Thursday, October 21, 2010

decision

i've decided. if you ignore me, i'll ignore you back. i'm quite relieved that you stop seeing me and talking to me, trust me. and at the same time, i'm glad that i watch your well-being outside my window.

trust me, i stalk you. but just to make sure you are happy with your life.

but if you accept me back, my door is always open. as much as i am free to make my own decision, you are, too.

good luck for your finals, my hopes are for you to score it without feeling tensed as i am right now.

however.

do NOT expect me to apologize to you anymore. it is time for you to stop thinking about yourself. now is the time for you to think about people you hurt - no matter how little it is. it is time for you to stop blaming people on YOUR doings. it is time for you to take, in a positive way, what i have been advising you.

you can hate me, but i never will. good luck, friend.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

dear buddy

first time aku rasa nak nangis dgr problem org. problem kau.

what's the matter, friend? dulu kau bukan mcm nh. dulu kau yg ajak org semayang. dulu kau yg ckp betapa pentingnya semayang tu. betapa kau semangat nak beli Quran, kan?

sekarang, kau marah dgn Tuhan. dah berapa hari kau tinggal semayang. dengar azan kau tutup telinga. aku sumpah rasa nak menangis dgr kau ckp mcm tu.

aku taknak kawan aku jadi mcm nh. kau antara org yg aku rasa sebaik-baik manusia. jgn sebab masalah dunia, kau lupa ada yg tak penah stop sayang kau - Allah.

kalau kau baca Quran, kau akan tau yg Allah penah ckp
"Allah tak turunkan ujian kalau dia tahu hamba-Nya tak mampu tempuhi ujian tu".
dan Dia penah kata
"jgn bersedih! kerana kau sentiasa ada Tuhan".
dan
"apakah kau berfikir Tuhan akan mengakui keimananmu tanpa menghadapi apa-apa ujian?"
kau tahukan, hamba yg paling byk terima ujian tu lah yg paling Allah sayang.

kalau kau perasan, semua org yg kau syg meninggalkan kau, paling kurang pun marah kau, ignore kau. tp Allah? kalau kau tinggalkan Tuhan bila kau ada problem, dgn siapa lagi kau nak mengadu? percaya la weh, Dia takkan kemana-mana kalau kau cari Dia. Dia mmg tunggu hamba-Nya mencari Dia. Dia lah satu-satunya yg takkan meninggalkan kau walau kau paling byk buat salah kat Dia.

dear friend, kau patut belajar sayang Allah, dan diri sendiri dahulu sebelum kau sayang org lain. kau sendiri kata cinta duniawi tak kekal lama kan?

aku at least rasa gembira sikit sbb kau sedar yg kau salah. aku rasa sedih gila tengok kau menangis, aku rasa mcm nak menangis jugak. :'(

tapi percaya la, we'll pull through this together.

ya Allah, bukakanlah hati kawan aku supaya dia tak menyimpang dari jalan-Mu. dan kurniakanlah kesabaran yg tinggi kepadanya. ya Allah, bantulah aku dalam menggembirakan dia kembali. semoga kami menjadi org2 beriman.

sekian.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

papa saya handsome

haritu ada baca a note "Tentang Ayah" dekat facebook.


.......................................

what i really want to say is:

papa, tikah nak nangis baca benda nh. tp sbb ego sgt, mmg sedaya-upaya tahan air mata. papa ingat tak dulu masa tikah nangis, papa jolok jari dlm mulut sampai tikah tercekik baru stop nangis. papa ckp papa tak suka dgr tikah melalak. pastu ada satu time papa sebat tikah pakai tali pinggang, tikah tak nangis pun. sbb tikah kan kuat mcm papa! :D


tapi masa form 1, papa masuk hospital sbb eksiden, tikah rasa mcm tak sedap hati je hari tu. bila tau cerita, tikah diam je dlm kereta pak cik musa sampai la balik rumah. sampai rumah, tikah masuk bilik, menangis dasat gila sbb takut hilang papa. lepastu tengok papa happy-happy je duduk wad, baru rasa lega. dlm wad pun papa sempat marah mirul sbb dia berak busuk kat toilet wad papa. tikah lega sbb papa sakit-sakit pun boleh lagi membebel kat kitorang.


masa tikah masuk uitm, keje tikah nh membazir je duit. tapi bila tak sampai 2 minggu tikah dah msg mintak duit, papa tak bebel pun. papa masukkan je duit. kekadang baru 4 hari papa sumbat rm200 dlm bank tikah, papa dah tanya dah duit tikah ada lagi ke tak. pastu papa selalu bebel kalo tikah beli benda branded tp harga mahal. :D


masa papa tau tikah kapel dgn ungku, apa papa rase ek? mcm note tu ckp ke? papa ingat tak papa penah ckp kat tikah, papa buat rumah besar2 sbb anak2 zaman sekarang bila dah senang mesti lupa mak bapak? tikah hari2 doa tikah tak jadi mcm tu tau. bila tikah besar nanti, dah kerja, tikah nak kumpul duit supaya papa mama dpt pegi haji. papa kena tunggu tau! papa kena panjang umur! *mata berkaca*


papa ingat tak hari sabtu pegi rumah makbung, tikah ckp tikah teringin nak buah dukung. sebenarnya balik2 rumah tikah terus lupa psl tu. tp tiba2 hari ahad papa datang, papa belikan seplastik besar buah tu. sumpah terharu.


papa, even tikah jahat-jahat pun kat shah alam nh, motivation tikah nak belajar and dpt dean's list mmg mama papa je, takde org lain dah. sbb tikah nak dpt scholarship. tikah nak bagi duit kat mama papa.



eventhough tikah cuma reti peluk mama papa and ckp "tikah syg mama papa" masa hari raya je, i love you guys dearly and you are always in my heart. :')

breakaway


dulu ustaz solah kata, kalau bengang-bengang, pegi tengok langit.
oleh kerana aku bengang-bengang dua, tiga hari ini.
aku ikutlah cakap dia.




tadi pegi fac, selesaikan presentation. alhamdulillah.
nak menangis aku sbb lecturer tu baik sgt.
dia bagi present dekat tesl square je :')

balik dlm pukul 9 stgh, naik bas mini.
tengok langit, rasa angin.
sumpah rasa aman gila.
curlycurly kat kepala aku terus jadi rambut rebonding.

hmmm.
i hope today can never go wrong.

Monday, October 18, 2010

curlycurly hair~

cuba bayangkan rambut aku kerinting geligeli afro gitu. harus comel kan? hahah. lambat lagi. those curls are my problems - they keep surrounding my head, with no sign of going away.

feel so tensed right now. woke up on 3 am, semayang isyak, then sit here wondering. am i doing the right thing?

i don't think it helps if i keep telling my problems to people. they are too busy, they need a rest.

i think we should separate. we've been stuck together for too long now. it's been almost two years, is it? i don't think we can stand seeing each other's faces anymore. so, i think i'll go. when? i'm not sure.

just remember that i always care for you. i can never stop worry if you appear late to tests, i fear you overslept and missed it. i'm worried if you go out late at night - though i myself always do the same - and you'd be so sleepy to go to class. i'm worried when you are too busy with your work and your social life, until you went sick.

please do not assume that i'm telling you things because i dislike you, or backstabbing you. you are my friend, right? and always will be. i really really really love you.

please do not ignore me. T____T

i totally understand if you go and tell people bad things about me behind my back, that is part of human nature. even i do the same. and then i start to feel guilty too much so i'll try to do things that i feel nice to make it up.

the truth is, i love you friends. sorry for everything.

kamu


dear friend,

i'm sorry for i have unintentionally hurt you.

and i am sorry if what i wrote struck you.

i never meant.

nak mengamuk dekat saya, tidak apa.

nak stop kawan dgn saya, pun tidak apa.

tapi saya harap kamu tidak membenci yg lain juga.

because i'm the only one to blame.

papehal pun, saya sayang kamu.

maafkan saya!





*lega*

Sunday, October 17, 2010

a word of advice

kamu, sampai bila kamu mahu stop. adakah kamu sedar bahawa kamu sedang melukakan ramai orang? kenapa kamu tak sedar yg mana lebih penting, lebih berharga buat kamu? ya, saya tahu, dia lebih berharta dari yg seorang lagi. tapi sedarkah kamu yg harta tak kekal lama? bila si dia sudah tiada harta, adakah kamu akan meninggalkan dia dan pulang ke yang seorang lagi?

saya sudah kata dari dulu, pilih seorang sahaja. jika tidak, you'll end up hurting both. tapi kamu tak nampak consequences perbuatan kamu. yg berharta kamu gunakan, yg sayang kamu, kamu lupakan. yg berharta kamu layan baik-baik, yg sayang kamu, kamu marah-marah. saya bukan nak cakap kamu cuma memandang harta, tapi cuba tanya diri sendiri.

saya sangat sakit hati melihat kamu berpegangan tangan dgn yg berharta. kenapa kamu tanya? sbb dia bukan kekasih kamu! dia cuma skandal - aku betul-betul naik menyampah dgn term 'skandal' ni. kenapa kamu tidak malu buat mcm tu depan kami? kamu patut sedar yg kami juga sudah rasa seperti dipergunakan.

sekarang setiap kali saya melihat muka yg berharta dan kegigihannya datang mengambil kamu, membawa kamu berjalan-jalan mengikut arahan kamu, saya simpati.

mungkinkah bila dia pergi setahun, dua tahun nanti, baru kamu akan kembali berbaik-baik dgn org yg sepatutnya penting buat kamu? itu bukan sayang maknanya.

sila sedar bahawa kamu sedang mempergunakan dan melukakan ramai orang. saya tidak sangka bahawa saya telah sedaya-upaya menolong kamu mempergunakan saya kembali.


serik,
atiqah.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Oh Tuhan!

everything felt great. drama's damn fun and at the same time a burden was lifted. ungku came and you cannot imagine how happy i was. today went to rumah makbung and makan laksa roti jala segala and read comics and joked with beloved cousins.

but Oh Tuhan!

psycho's still a long way to go, and phonetics - i don't give a fuck anymore. serius aku dah penah gitau, aku tak suka org duk srabut2 paksa aku buat kerja.

so. am still living life with bliss and relaxation. sumpah tak sedar diri. :P


Thursday, October 14, 2010

lucah

kenapa lelaki suka kwn dgn aku?

adakah kerana aku suka ckp benda2 lucah?

suka pegang tetek org?

gila?

.............................................

papehal pun thank you kak saifudin dan abe nazif,
seronok gila jenjalan makan aiskrim dgn kau org tadi. :')


btw, kau org mesti suka mkn aiskrim mcm nh.muahahahahahah~!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

out of shell


hari nh saya sgt hyper. saya menari dari pagi sampai malam. tarian maahad kata naim. duk mencarut duk ckp benda2 lucah. tgkp gambar semua org pakai phone org lain. buat lawak yg sumpah bodoh. gelak gelak gelak sampai sakit perut. buat antics yg selalu buat kat maahad dulu. KUTUK LECTURER tahap tak ingat bersama makhluk-makhluk.

sumpah sgt happy hari nh. happy bila tengok org lain gelak2 and enjoy the moment. penat macamana pun tak kisah langsung - janji dpt tengok org lain senyum.

tapi...

sekarang sedikit sedih sbb org yg saya sayang mcm tak suka saya mcm nh. dia suka saya yg behaved sikit. bila saya happy2 cerita psl saya finally opening up, dia cerita point buruk saya.

tak, saya tak deny yg saya mmg selalu bad mood dan dia selalu jadi mangsa marah. tapi kenapa org yg saya sayang, org yg saya anggap paling paham saya, org yg saya nak share happiness sama-sama kena rosakkan moment yg saya rasa paling saya suka, saya rindu?


..........................................

i wanna be NEX.
the one i was back in school.

i'm so tired of being SPAN - absorbing too much of people's problems and ignoring her own.
thus end up being wounded and wrote emo statuses on facebook.

i hope you would accept me. wuwu.

please jgn kata saya selfish. semua org pernah jadi selfish. :'(


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

burnout


and what i dreaded most is: today is not the climax of it. there is more to come.


semalam balik pukul 6 suku - jalan2 dgn khai and ayai. merendek merendek merendek tak ingat dunia. balik rumah, semayang subuh, online sampai pukul 8. tiduuuuur sampai pukul 1. bersiap2, sampai fac pukul 2. terus buat drama arab - which was as predicted, will end up taking an incredulous amount of time compared to those simple scenes.


akhirnya gave up pada pukul 7. semayang maghrib dan melepak2 di rumah dya. 8 stgh pergi practice drama. dibebel kerana dtg lambat dan tidak fokus. practice tamat pada pukul 11 setengah. ikut mereka melepak di kedai candle sehingga 12 setengah. sudah betul-betul burned out.


pulang ke rumah. online dan menaip entry ini. rasa hati mcm nak menangis, but hey, this is the exact feeling i've felt for every end of the semester - since first sem asasi. alhamdulillah masih hidup. aku cuma boleh doa banyak2 supaya Allah cepatkanlah habis minggu yg terlalu hectic ini. aku taknak menangis sbb org lain pun kena benda yg sama mcm aku and yet dorg masih boleh relax and senyum2 kat org lain. i wish i am that strong.


esok pukul 9 stgh pagi sudah perlu bergerak ke kelas drama. kelas habis 12 setengah, jika sempat bolehlah menyambung proses membuat vcd arab siap dgn persembahan kreatif segala. perlu disiapkan sebelum 4 supaya sempat ke kelas psycho hingga pukul 5. lepastu sambung kelas oral comm hingga pukul 7. pukul 8 practice drama kembali. oh, juga harus mencari masa utk practice oral test arab yg akan dibuat pada hari rabu jam 3 petang.


boleh tak somebody datang kat aku, and say "kesian kau", bukannya "ala, kau baru kena mcm tu, aku lagi teruk". i don't need criticism right now when my strength is just as thick as paper.


*buat masa ini, 'somebody' itu ialah shah rukh khan dgn lagu2 sweetnya dlm cerita spt baadshah, duplicate dan dil to pagal hai. yeayyyy :')


sweetnye uols! hahahahah


dahla, enough merepek. perlu mandi.