Maybe

I came back home to the scene of you lying lazily on the couch, flipping channels on the TV. "Hey," I said, but you didn't answer. Cool, maybe you didn't hear me. I took off my heels and purposefully let them fell from my hands to the floor. The sound made you flinched, but you kept your eyes on the screen. 

I kinda hovered (I don't know why I describe it as hovering, maybe because my audible footsteps didn't even make you turn around) and slumped myself beside you. I played with your hair, whispered "I miss you" in your left ear. You mumbled something like "me too". Maybe you thought I was being too clingy, maybe you were tired, maybe you were troubled and you needed some space. So I kissed your forehead and went upstairs.

Or maybe you thought I was kidding when I told you I missed you? I thought of that while I was showering. So I reached for my phone and typed "I really do" and sent it to you. I quickly regretted it, though. Maybe I was too clingy, maybe I overreacted, maybe I thought too much, maybe I was too childish. Your "Do what?" reply confirmed that.

I put on my new dress and that perfume that you liked. I went downstairs and hugged you from behind. "Hey, what's the matter?" I spoke. It took you a few seconds to say "nothing". "Are you okay, sweetheart?" I put my hands on his cheeks but you pushed them away.

****************

Later, I found myself strolling alone at the park I loved so much. You must know where it is, the one I told you about, the one we went to when I wanted to share the night sky with you. I sat on the bench and looked at the sky. Maybe you were tired when you replied "I'm bored of us." earlier. Maybe I didn't love you enough, because I managed to laugh it off and said "Me too." Maybe you were bitter ever since we fought about whose problems were bigger. Maybe it was my loud mouth or maybe it was my silence. Maybe we had spent less time together. At that exact moment, it rained. As I watched raindrops accumulating on my new dress, I laughed at how I was crying. 

Maybe we've both stopped trying.

Bottles.

She hummed the song while she was washing the dishes. It was the song that had too many versions she didn't even know which version was the original anymore. Pardon the way that I stare - true; she had always stared at the boy she liked; There's nothing else to compare - true; there were times when the boy seemed like the most beautiful thing on Earth; The sight of you leaves me weak - true; sometimes, she admitted shyly; There are no words left to speak - true; she didn't feel the need to explain this beautiful feeling of liking someone so much. 

Wait - what's the next line? She thought.

And if you feel like I feel, please let me know that it's real.

And she stopped humming. That didn't sound right (she meant that it did, but the meaning didn't). She wondered why the songwriter put his/her words that way.

And, when millions of people were swooned by the song, she felt insulted by that one line. If you feel like I feel? No - her feelings were the most authentic feeling to her she doubted if someone else could feel the same. And besides, could Angelina Jolie love Brad Pitt the same way as Juliet loved Romeo? The extent might be the same, but they would never have the same way. And her mind wandered to all those goodnight wishes she sent him and how she worried if he had a good meal after a long day working. The feeling - it must be entirely different from what anyone else feels. 

And isn't unrequited love the most beautiful of all? the question popped into her head. Because it's enough for you to love someone without requiring the same from him or her. Because his or her happiness might lie with someone else but it means your own happiness, altogether. She smiled, shyly, again.

If only she could preserve her feelings in a sterile jar and take it out at night - the jar would have glimmered with all sorts of colours. And she wondered how everybody else's would be.

Jujur.

Ini adalah aku.

Aku rindu 

Aku takut hilang kamu

dan

Setiap malam aku

bersyukur pada Tuhanku

sebab temukan kita di situ.

Macam pasir

yang kau jejak setiap incinya

Itulah hidup aku

ada kamu dimana-mana.

22

Young, wild, and carefree.

When you were sitting next to me.

Those eye contacts meant just for me.

When everything made us happy.

The sweetest guy that you could be.

That never-ending energy.

Unspoken promises of what we'll be.

Now, we're just adults, trying to survive as the day goes by, trying to make ends meet by kissing our fun goodbye. I truly miss you and us, how we would walk together and talk about things no one else bothered. Those little things that reminded me of you, I'll keep them forever. Just in case the world turned a hundred-eighty degrees and you, safely and soundly, came back to me.

broken thoughts

Yesterday:
You are like a secret garden I would sneak into every night, just to watch the stars.

Last month:
Looking at your pimples and thinking how perfect you are.

Two days ago:
Oh you won't mention me. OMG you did!

Last night:
I'm not missing you.
Just now:
Fuck that dream.

Yesterday:
You won't call. You were busy with someone else.

Two days ago:
How do I deserve to get someone as sweet as you?

Always:
I like you. No I don't. Fuck that. I love you. Wait, maybe I don't. Please be with me, always.

kontradiksi

Tak sangka, aku end up dengan kau akhirnya. Orang yang aku pernah pandang sebelah mata. Orang yang dulu pandang aku punya kawan lama.

Tak sangka, kita tak boleh berenggang lama. Aku ingat aku punya kuasa wanita. Sekarang tak dengar suara kau sehari pun boleh buat aku hampir gila.

Tak sangka, begini pengakhirannya. "Jom break up," aku pernah kata. Sekarang aku duduk tak diam, tidur tak lena.

Tak sangka, aku sayang seseorang lebih dari biasa. Padahal dulu kata dah serik suka manusia.

Biar kat mata orang kita dah tak ada apa-apa. Bagi aku, aku masih akan tunggu 21 Februari, tanda empat tahun kita gaduh baik menangis ketawa.

Benci tapi sayang. Bengang tapi girang. Aku paling benci bila orang nampak aku punya jiwang.

#588

Tolak permainan dan rasa.

Tolak mereka ke sana.

Tinggal apa?

Aku betul-betul suka kau-

aku suka kau seorang saja.

Dan aku betul-betul tengah rindu kau-

rindu macam nak gila.

Tolak tepi semua,

yang tinggal cuma dua.

Rindu, suka. Tak terkira.

Dan tiba-tiba,

aku percaya.

Percaya pada kita.

Tunggu --

kau aku punya.

Sampai bila-bila aku suka.

angan

"Kau buat apa ni?" Dia tanya aku, hairan tengok aku pegang balang lutsinar. Aku malas nak jawab, sebab aku dah boleh agak reaksi dia nanti. Jadi, aku teruskan menguak semak tepi rumah.

Dia tak puas hati. Jadi, dia ikut.

"Ish, gatalnya," dia mencemik, menampar nyamuk di kaki. Dua saat kemudian, dia sebut ayat yang sama sambil terlompat-lompat menepis segala semut, nyamuk, dan binatang-binatang lain yang tak nampak dek mata kasar jika kau tak lihat dengan teliti. Ish, aku pun mencemik - tapi dalam hati jelah. Bisingnya minah ni. Kalau nak ikut diamlah. Padahal dalam hati memang aku mengharap dia temankan.

Krik krik--

Pantas aku menangkap binatang halimunan itu. Penat suruh manusia ni diam. Dua puluh minit jugaklah kitorang mencangkung dalam semak, statik tak ada bunyi dan pergerakan fizikal. Baru dapat seekor.

"Eh, apa benda ni?" Mata dia bulat tengok kunang-kunang mengelilingi aku dan dia. Wah, rezeki, bisik aku dalam hati. Aku terus keluarkan balang kedua, lalukan saja ke udara. Terus dapat lima enam ekor.

Lagi sepuluh minit duduk diam-diam, dapat juga lagi seekor cengkerik. Cukuplah tu. Terus aku berlari balik rumah, dia ikut dari belakang.

"Kau nak buat apa dengan diorang? Oi! Oi!" Tak sempat dia nak rephrase soalan, aku tutup pintu bilik aku depan muka dia. Lima minit kemudian-

"Masuklaaaaah," aku laung dari dalam bilik. Laju saja minah kepoh tu bukak pintu dan meluru masuk.

"Oi gelapnya! Mana kau?" 

"Ni, dalam almari. Muat dua orang ni," aku laung lagi. Semangat dia menyumbatkan badan dalam satu-satunya almari dalam bilik aku. Lepas dia tutup pintu almari, hening sekejap.

Krik, krik--

Dia tergelak. "Haha, asal awkward je mesti kau buat bunyi cengkerik," dia cakap kat aku. Tapi dua saat kemudian, baru dia sedar bunyi cengkerik tu betul dan kunang-kunang terbang perlahan keliling kitorang. 

"Cantiknyaaaaa!" dia kata, sambil menyelak rambutnya yang terbang perlahan, efek kipas angin yang aku pasang kat tepi.

Mungkin merepek, tapi aku suka waktu malam. Aku paling suka waktu malam bila aku duduk dengan kamu, bisik hati aku sambil aku tengok muka teruja dia. Dan kami duduk dalam almari sepanjang "malam" itu, sampai dia tertidur dan sampai aku berharap masa akan betul-betul berhenti berputar.

genderless things.

There's a lot of swearing in this post, so I advise you not to read it.

Sometimes I think boys are boring. I could pour my insights out and all you could ever think of a reply would be: "I find it not nice when a girl says the F word". If you are a good English user, Sir, you would find that Fuck could be a verb or adjective or adverb and it could mean (not literally) a thousand things. Please don't show me that shallow side of you. I'm not interested in your holiness nor I think I am wrong. Your thinking is out-dated, and not to mention, cliche, too. 

When a typical boy reads the above statement, pulak, he'd go on to say: "Girls can be so emotional over trivial matters." Well, Sir, if I told you to go fuck yourself, I hope you won't be offended over such trivial thing. Yeh yeh? :3

Fuck chauvinists. And I'm not mad - I'm just tired of stereotypes. Perempuan mencarut tak elok. Kalau laki mencarut, dah memang perangai dia. Perempuan merokok, sundal. Lelaki merokok dah memang perangai dia. Perempuan marah kata emosi. Lelaki marah, memanglah lelaki baran. Perempuan horny, pelacur. Lelaki horny, dah memang otak lelaki kat kepala takuk. Pungkoq apa.

ini serius.

Be your forever, 

be your fling.

Baby, I will be your everything.

*******

*Empat tahun dengan kamu dah hampir tamat.

Aku tak rasa aku cukup kudrat

untuk hilang seorang kawan rapat,

musuh ketat,

seseorang yang aku ingat

setiap saat.