the loser me.

this pains me to say.

that i am at the lowest point of my strength now.

is all i need.

saya bersyukur :) | 2

tak kiralah kalau satu dunia ignore aku pun, these three will always be with me.

1) Tuhan. mungkin bila aku berdoa dan sembahyang mintak pertolongan Dia, orang akan nampak macam aku ni loser sebab dah takde orang lain nak tolong. tapi aku tak kisah, sebab setiap kali lepas sembahyang dan berdoa, aku selalu rasa tenang dan aman. ini sesuatu yang sorang daripada 8 bilion orang kat dunia ni pun tak mampu bagi dekat aku. aku rasa lagi kuat untuk melupakan benci aku kat seseorang, atau melupakan orang yang melupakan aku, sebab aku tahu Allah takkan bagi ujian kat seseorang hamba-Nya melainkan hamba-Nya tu mampu menghadapi ujian tu.

2) family. serius cakap, kalau satu dunia ignore dan abaikan aku pun, family aku takkan pernah buat macam tu. belum pernah lagi family aku tak jawab kalau aku tanya sesuatu - satu keadaan yang selalu dialami aku di Shah Alam. yalah, semua orang kan busy. busy reply mesej, busy online, busy tengok tv... kadang2 kena aku ulang soalan 2 3 kali macam orang bodoh baru nak jawab. itupun mata still melepek dekat handphone/laptop/tv. family aku? lagi membebel kat aku adalah. aku tak pernah tau bebelan ibu tu 1000 kali ganda lagi menggembirakan dari di-ignore oleh rakan taulan. : )

3) ungku. bila aku sedih, bila aku marah, aku boleh hantar je mesej kat dia. 98% of the time mesti dia akan reply ataupun call aku terus. kawan macamana lagi yang aku nak? even best friends aku pun aku dah lama tak contact through phone skang. mungkin orang akan bising, yalah, dia kan pakwe kau bla bla bla. ingin aku ingatkan kat sini, dia bukan pakwe aku, dia KAWAN aku yang serius baik gila dengan aku. 

kita selalu ingat kita punya masalah la yang paling besar kat dunia ni. aku taknak rasa macam tu. sebab tu aku rela dengar masalah orang lain sejam dua daripada aku meluahkan masalah aku. mungkin masalah aku akan dipandang enteng oleh manusia lain. mungkin juga aku tak meluahkan sebab aku malu gila nak cerita. tapi sayang-sayang sekalian, peraturan pertama semasa bercakap dengan manusia lain is FOCUS. aku memang sangat tak suka kalau orang tak fokus bila aku cakap. that's why aku rela diam.

maka, saya bersyukur sebab yang tiga ini selalu ada dengan saya. 

maaf juga sebab masih belum boleh mempercayai seseorang 100% untuk aku luahkan segala masalah aku. papehal pun aku masih sayang anda semua.

whip yo' hair!

hahaha okay tengah takde kerja ni (actually ada, buat esaimen mama 8 pages) baiklah kalau aku merepek tentang rambut aku. : D

yeay rambut dah panjang balik! aku suka bila rambut aku panjang. walaupun takdelah panjang mcm fouziah ghous punya tu. dulu masa asasi, aku rasa rimas rambut panjang ni. sbb masa tu cuaca panas. lagipun aku jenis tak suka kepam-kepam rambut dalam serkup, so aku ikat je dia macam ponytail biasa. tapi masalah ialah bila rambut tu asyik terkeluar dari tudung. geram punya pasal aku pegi potong. tapi kakak tu pulak dengan bijaknya potong sampai paras bahu je.

paras bahu je wehhhh! nak menangis aku tengok rambut aku banyak-banyak tu ada atas lantai, disapu pergi oleh akak kedai *wow it rhymes*. rasa kepala pun ringan je. nak flip-flip hair pun rasa awkward. sobsob.

tapi nasib baik, rambut aku memang ada proses pertumbuhan yg sangat rapid. habis semester tu, dia dah lagi panjang dari rambut aku yang mula-mula dulu. weee~ lepastu potong lagi sebab dia dah terkeluar tudung balik, then ting! dia dah panjang macam dulu balik. boleh kata every start of the semester mesti aku potong rambut, tapi at the end of the semester mesti dia dah panjang macam biasa balik.

sebelum tu, aku nak kata yang rambut aku tidak cantik. ia tidak lurus, dan ia jugak bukan kaler hitam. apa aku merepek ni? haha. pendek kata, rambut aku memang susah nak urus, sebab tak lurus. *asal banyak yg rhyme ni?* tapi aku masih sayangkan rambut aku.

semalam beli syampu baru. sunsilk la jugak. tapi bau dia ya Allah wangi gila. memang malam tu kerja aku letak rambut kat hidung je. best best. haha.

kepada yg tak suka rambut panjang tu, belalah. memanglah rimas, tapi kalau pandai jaga mesti okay. jgn jadi macam aku. hehe. lagipun berdasarkan pengalaman aku dengan lelaki, lelaki suka perempuan rambut panjang. pengalaman disini bermaksud aku banyak intebiu lelaki ok, bukan tayang rambut dekat dorang. lagipun org cakap, kalau rambut dah boleh lilit sekali dekat leher, kita boleh selamatkan seseorang kat akhirat nanti. macam tulah lebih kurang ayat dia. lagi satu, aku rasa perempuan rambut panjang sangat cantik! bukan aku, aku tak boleh rambut pendek sebab nanti nampak kebulatan muka aku. : P

ok dah, nak sambung kerja. bela rambut tu! : D

this teaching career.

hari ni tolong mama mengajar bebudak sekolah dia lagi.

tonight, i was more positive than i did before.

i thought "well let's get this over and done with."

and boy, did mindset really help you. : )

yeah, yeah, the kids were as noisy as hell.

there was this all-the-time-giggling girl,

the spaced out girl and the staring girl,

and the boys, just being boys.

throwing those gumpalan kertas at each other,

playing with their handset and stuff.

you can babble all you want about classroom management to me,

but i just couldn't care less.

for me, these kids were just Standard 5, man.

let's don't get too strict with them, aye?

furthermore i never want my students to see me as strict.

though i tried to saja2 je marah at them.

they said "cikgu ni lemah-lembut sangatlah."

i laughed. no one has ever said that i am lemah-lembut. puhleaase. : P

i did shout several times at them, showed my angry face.

they went quiet for a while and continued their main-main bising-bising.

but hey, i wasn't really mad though.

when i taught them just now,

i did not hope they would absorb it all in right there at the mo'.

i just hoped that someday, when they do get the exact same question as what they did tonight,

they'll remember about those things i babbled before.

just one, and that'll make me the happiest person alive. : )

many people said that they don't cut out to be a teacher.

trust me, i do think the same thing too.

but to me, if i can see these kids as more than just kids,

i can be a teacher.

heck, i dreamed of being one since i was in Standard 1.

when i saw them being noisy and playful and stuff,

i think "so that's how i was back in my primary school."

and i just let them be, not 100% though. : D

and yes, dua jam je rm50.

sape lagi nak bagi weh. haha.

saya bersyukur :)

mesti susah kan jadi cantik? siapa-siapa lelaki yg nak kawan dengan kau, mesti motif dia boleh dipersoalkan. betul-betul nak kawan ke, just nak mengorat ke, or just sebab kau cantik? yg perempuan pulak, mesti ramai yg benci kau, tak kira la sebab jealous ke atau sebab insecure dengan kau. kawan2 perempuan kau pulak, mungkin depan mata nampak macam kawan sejati tapi mungkin kat belakang dia diam-diam tak suka kau sebab kau lagi cantik dari dia. dan yg paling penting, kau mesti bosan bila org puji kau cantik...

mesti susah kan jadi kaya? bila dapat kereta baru, memang berkepuk-kepuk la member kau. bila eksiden, call semua org semua tak angkat. bila time nak enjoy, ramai gila yg nak join. itupun bila kau yg belanja. tapi bila kau alone, sorang pun takde masa nak teman. punyalah ramai awek-awek suka kat kau. bila kau takde duit, habis semua buat muka tak kenal. dan yg paling penting, orang puji-puji kau time kaya je. time kau takde duit, habislah kena kutuk, kena hina. cakap boroslah, Tuhan tak redha harta lah, padahal harta kau pun banyak jugak habis kat diorang...

jadi disini, aku bersyukur ke hadrat Tuhan sebab mensederhanakan aku. tak banyak harta dan tak berapa ada rupa. hikmahnya, member2 aku insyaAllah dunia akhirat. bila aku pakai baju tidur keluar jenjalan pun, member2 aku boleh terima dan rilek je jalan sebelah aku, bukannya buat2 tak kenal. dan yang paling penting, aku tahu orang sayang aku bukan sebab rupa dan harta. ; )

Dear Diary,

i lost two kilos this week.

hahaha!
hahahaha!
hahahahaha!

aku tak paham kenapa bila pompuan turun berat badan, dia tulis dlm diari.
ni testing2 je. haha

misi duduk rumah.

hello sweet readers! i only got to realize that my followers dah bertambah. so, thank you aj and ira marhe for following this trashy blog. i read your blogs, kevavommm meletups kot. kalau blog aku ni, takat jadi pokok hiasan tepi jalan jelah. haha.

anyway, cuti kali ni terasa saaaaaaangat lama. shite! sedangkan cuti sebulan lebih dulu pun aku dah terkontang-kanting tak sedap bontot duduk rumah. inikan ompek bulan. umang aiiiiii~ nak buek hapo kek umah nih? buek mengabihkan boreh yo la~ haha. aku dah rindu classmates aku dan suasana makan reramai kat candles. sebab semester ni baru pindah seksyen 17 kan, so baru dapat can nak hang out banyak2 dgn kau orang. : )

tu, tu yg paling annoying tu. : D

back to holidays, saya sedang mencari idea macamana nak menghabiskan masa 4 bulan ni. saya taknak kerja. haha gila tak? actually aku terlalu malu untuk kerja yg memerlukan komunikasi sesama manusia. then again, kerja apa yg TAK memerlukan komunikasi dgn manusia? kerja di dunia cyber la, which is something i suck, so much. : P

so, firstly, saya nak melukis baaaaaanyak-banyak! ada satu sketch book, baru guna dua pages. ya, saya tahu drawings saya sucky jugak. tapi i dunno, i love drawing (when i am not bundled with assignments and ronggeng sessions, la. haha). 

ini naim dalam imaginasi saya. haha.

and also, (this is so embarrassing) i wanna lose some goddamned weights! aku sangat culture shock masa tengok gambar zaman sekolah dulu. nampak sangat skarang dah mengembang macam belon. shah alam, i blame you! haha. anyway, nak kurus kena ada motivasi. my motivation is mr. crush, hope you like me when i'm skinneh. hahahaha mampusla, takde maknanya nak skinny. 

you're just jealous cuz we're skinneh!

my mummy had unliterally shove some herbal tea down my throat these past few days. teh ini sangat kurang ajar; ia suka buat saya terbangun pukul 4 5 pagi dan lari kejar toilet. dah beberapa hari tidur aku terganggu, termasuklah hari ni. tu pasal boleh buang tebiat terbangun awal. T____T so, doakan saya supaya saya jadi cantik lepas membuang beberapa ketul lelemak menggeleber ni. tapi kau org jgn la expect too much. jgn cakap pape kalau aku balik shah alam nanti masih bersaiz triple XL. haha.

semalam boi call. dia cakap "temanlah i, i lonely." awww macam nak lempang-lempang je rasa sebab gedik gila. rela pulak tu call sampai habis credit. hahahaha eh faiz, awak tu pakai maxis, saya pakai celcom. tak payahlah call. buang duit nokk. btw rindu dia dan gelagat annoying dia. haha. and when i say annoying, you seriously HAVE NO IDEA.

so to my lovelies, take care dan jangan makan bebanyak. yang masih kat shah alam tu baliklah cepat sebelum anda dilanda obesiti. haha. miss you guys, contact saya selalu, sayang awak banyak2!

xoxo

holi-holiday!

1. seesh, i miss you. last two nights i 'accidentally' looked at your pic, and i had to resist the urge of looking at you for more than 10 seconds. f*ck this. T___T

2. i decided that being officially single is the best. kalau ada jodoh, adalah. besides, i'm sure both of us will do better. i want to see you succeed. i'm sure you will, without me. : )

3. i miss my classmates. the craziest beaches. hehe.

4. this is my thought : if my wish is granted, insyaAllah, i have planned several things to do in accordance to it. never mind, you don't have to understand what it is that i'm babbling about.

5. right now, i'm giving my best effort to achieve something. pray for me, ya? : )

that's all for now. toodles. ; )

no turning back.

once, when i was in secondary school. we would constantly whine about how boring it was to be a school kid. how lame it was to wear that tudung labuh and be teased by those indon guys at Metro Kajang. but we also had our fun. we played and talked like there's no tomorrow. we poured our hearts and souls to every bathroom mirror or corridors we stumbled with. we liked those people, admired them, even got a chance to talk with them.

why, why do i feel that school was the most boring place ever? 

i shouldn't have. 

now i regret every piece of my thoughts. 

true, we were just kids, then. 

but i should have known better.

moments like this are so rare.

when we first stepped into our asasi years, oh, it was the best ever. finally, free from home. finally, free to go out at nights without having to fill in that goddamned outing form. finally, no lame uniforms. finally, new friends from numerous variety of courses. but i tend to forget those that stayed in my past. i used to think, my old friends and i, we will always stay strong together, forever. nothing can part us.

little did i know, little did i think. when i met them last few weeks, i was surprised that my mind suddenly went blank before talking to them. it made me wanna cry. true, we still cracked our old school jokes, but something is missing. to me, it is that chance to sleep together after having our pillow talks. and no matter how hard we tried, we can never fully catch up to our friends latest stories and updates.

it's too late now, isn't it? we can never, ever go back to that time when we were just ignorant, immature school kids. now, we are already in our second year of degree. another two years and we are out of here. and at THAT time, maybe i'll regret those moments when i hated Shah Alam and all these people here. and a few more years, some of us will be getting married.

oh, marriage. no matter how i look at it, it really isn't a small matter. marriage starts to frighten me. what if, what if... too much possibilities. what if the one i love get married to someone else? what will happen after all of us are married, will there still be those sweet gossips and pillow talks? 

now i know why my latest dreams revolve around school. we, wearing our school uniforms, studied Science together in front of the school's bookshop. you, mr. crush, we were back in school, and you handed to me an album filled with the photos of us, posing crazily in our school uniforms. every time i have these dreams, i would never want to wake up from them. and when i finally did, i'll stare blankly at the wall, unsure of what to feel.

now that i've known better, i will cherish my university years with all my heart. move on from the past, and do not yet think about the future. "today is a gift, that is why they call it 

P.R.E.S.E.N.T. . ."

the night sea.

my love and i will go for a holiday at the beach. 

my love and i, we will rent a hotel room that directly faces the beach. we will wait until the night comes, so that we can boil some water, make some hot drinks and put some biscuits on the plate. we will bring our small 'tea party' outside, at the balcony, where a small table with two chairs awaits. 

we will sit there for hours of the night, sipping our drinks while we just watch the waves slapping the white sand over and over again. and i, i will take out my sketch book and pencil, and i will draw the face of my loved one - his eyes, eager, filled with the image of the sea, his hair blown gently by the night wind and he'll push his hair back his forehead again. then, we'll read comics together, laugh, then just sit there looking at each other deeply, not realizing how seconds slowly turn to minutes.

then i will stand up and tap his shoulder, and climb over the balcony, running towards the sea. and he will tag along. we, running together until we fall into the sand, hugging each other. and we will silently lay there, looking at the big round moon and feel the smooth night breeze and count the stars visible to our eyes and listen to the sound of the waves.

and i will take out my camera and we will pose like crazy like we are the only ones left in this world.

7 perkara tidak digemari tentang period.

1. kebocoran. 

lagi-lagi kalau kena kat seluar jeans @ cadar @ seat kereta member. tak menangis kau nak basuh semua tu? dan saya nak bagitau awal2, BUKAN SENANG nak basuh kesan bocor. kekadang rasa nak patah pinggang duk mencangkung kat lantai toilet nak berus cadar.

2. senggugut.

time ni rasa macam menggeliut urat uterus aku. ada rasa tak selesa je dalam perut - salah satu sebab perempuan period ni berkerut je muka 24 jam straight. senggugut ni tahap kesakitan dia pulak lain-lain tau.

3. bila kau gelak excited sikit kompem merembes2 rasa.

serius aku tak tipu. masa bangun tidur pun macam tu. terpaksa kepit-kepit takut bocor dgn ledakan darah tersebut.

4. kegelian membasuh pad.

serius geli. bau dia lagi. ok dah yg ni tak payah cerita panjang-panjang.

5. mood kacau-bilau.

kejap aku rasa nak tumbuk muka org. sekejap lagi rasa happy terlebih mcm crush aku akhirnya membalas chenta ku. kejap lagi pulak rasa nak buat kerja gila seperti duduk atas balkoni sambil menganyam tikar.

6. rasa malas nak pi kencing.

yalah, dah pakai pad sedap-sedap, memang kompem takkan bocor 8 jam. sekali baru dua jam dah rasa nak terkucil. geli kot nak pakai balik pad tersebut. terpaksalah basuh dan pakai yg baru. membazir T___T

7. rasa hormon terlebihhhhh je. 

tetiba rasa nak menggatal dgn lelaki. ataupun rasa semacam bila tengok movie pastu nampak laki pompuan kissing-kissing. bodoh. -__-"

haha mesti korang geli en? : D

a simple message.

"Gd luck exam!wt tol2..

sori bz sket lately.huhu..

ok,all the best!"

-***a-

can be such a big thing when you like him this much.

what makes it more meaningful is the effort he took to text me using someone else's number.

and that simple explanation of why he rarely is by my side... priceless. :')

thank you, sir.

i'm gonna wear a biiig smile on my face when i step into the exam hall this afternoon. ; )

i am so appreciating the small things. 

pray this feeling last forever.

siapa lagi blue, lelaki ke perempuan?

hahahahaha. mesti semua org akan cakap lelaki. sebab apa? ayat2 biasa jadi alasan adalah 

"lelaki mana je yang tak pernah tengok porn?"

atau 

"lelaki kan nafsunya kat perempuan jelah" etc.

 tapi ayat2 tu sebenarnya boleh diolah utk disesuaikan kepada golongan perempuan. kalau nak kata pasal tengok porn, hampir SEMUA orang pernah tengok. just sengaja atau tersengaja eh tidak sengaja je. kalau kau tengok cerita omputeh yg ada romen-romen tu, tak ke porn jugak namanya? video Ariel Peterpan? : D

dua gambar untuk test tahap kebiruan pemikiran anda, tuan-tuan dan puan-puan.

jangan fap pulak tengok gambar ketiak ni. 

ha, macamana? pass tak test? aku tak. hahahaha.

first thing yg terbayang dlm otak aku semuanya benda biru. nampak sangat otak dah gila contaminated T___T. 

so, adakah anda akan tetap dgn pendirian anda bahawa lelaki lebih biru otaknya?

bagi aku, it all depends on exposure. sekarang kan dah maju, kat internet kau boleh tulis apa-apa je perkataan lucah kat google search tu je dah keluar segala jenis image ngeri. macam aku, aku banyak dapat exposure masa form 3. sebab apa? sebab member aku suka kenal lelaki ramai-ramai dan 90% of them bernafsu unta. kalau mesej memang tak sah tak cakap pasal benda lucah. oleh sebab aku dan member aku dalam musim experimenting, kitorang akan perah otak pikir cemana nak buat ayat utk layan kelucahan lelaki2 ni. kadang2 tu siap tergelak2 baca mesej lelaki2 sangap tu. sumpah bodoh. : D

sebab experimenting ni lah, aku clash dengan ex aku. sebab apa? tak payahlah cerita, it's too stupid.

so, back to my question, lelaki ke perempuan yg lebih dirty-minded? it all comes back to exposure. janji iman kau kuat. insyaAllah kau boleh survive dunia lucah ni tanpa menyentuh nikmat diri sendiri. good luck! ; D

at a clothes shop. ; D