can we just pretend?

Boi said that this place is a corrupted place. indeed it is. can't you see? here, people always talk bad things behind people's back, people are always being hypocrites, people lie to people... it is sickening. it makes me nauseated a bit.

i have always loved people. i love my friends. i love to say nice things, but true, to them. i want to be nice but i don't want to be fake. i want to be able to carve a smile, a sincere one, on my face; and i want to spread the smile to people. maybe that is why, recently, i love to hang out at the TESL Square. maybe that is why i, suddenly, want to join the faculty's events. truly random - something that is not me. but maybe i am wrong. maybe, all this while i only act like a badass, when actually i really want to join them. who knows? i might be wrong about myself this whole time.

back to the word "corrupted". maybe that is the reason why i can never stay here in Shah Alam for more than a month. people get kinda snappy, and there are always people that we need to impress. so sickening, so tiring. i feel like a fish who has choked on some toxic waste. i need to go home, once in a while, to clean myself off these negativities, these wastes.

and i... i kinda feel tired of always listening to people talking bad things about other people. i know, i am not a saint, i am also guilty as charged. but it does not help, right? it is like when you want to change, people around you keep doing the thing you want to change. all that is left with you is your will power, which is never strong enough to stand in the crowd.

i am searching for someone new to talk to. preferably someone who does not know about my problems, someone who does not know how to speak badly about someone, someone who i can sit with and just say trivial nice things about "what a nice day, right?" or just talk about funny little things like "hey, the cat has a mole on its paw!" or something like that. just things that are, you know, not negative. just those little things that can make you smile.

so, to my friends. can we just pretend that we have only known each other? hai, saya Atiqah. orang sini panggil Po. hehe. awak comel lah. :)