Maybe

I came back home to the scene of you lying lazily on the couch, flipping channels on the TV. "Hey," I said, but you didn't answer. Cool, maybe you didn't hear me. I took off my heels and purposefully let them fell from my hands to the floor. The sound made you flinched, but you kept your eyes on the screen. 

I kinda hovered (I don't know why I describe it as hovering, maybe because my audible footsteps didn't even make you turn around) and slumped myself beside you. I played with your hair, whispered "I miss you" in your left ear. You mumbled something like "me too". Maybe you thought I was being too clingy, maybe you were tired, maybe you were troubled and you needed some space. So I kissed your forehead and went upstairs.

Or maybe you thought I was kidding when I told you I missed you? I thought of that while I was showering. So I reached for my phone and typed "I really do" and sent it to you. I quickly regretted it, though. Maybe I was too clingy, maybe I overreacted, maybe I thought too much, maybe I was too childish. Your "Do what?" reply confirmed that.

I put on my new dress and that perfume that you liked. I went downstairs and hugged you from behind. "Hey, what's the matter?" I spoke. It took you a few seconds to say "nothing". "Are you okay, sweetheart?" I put my hands on his cheeks but you pushed them away.

****************

Later, I found myself strolling alone at the park I loved so much. You must know where it is, the one I told you about, the one we went to when I wanted to share the night sky with you. I sat on the bench and looked at the sky. Maybe you were tired when you replied "I'm bored of us." earlier. Maybe I didn't love you enough, because I managed to laugh it off and said "Me too." Maybe you were bitter ever since we fought about whose problems were bigger. Maybe it was my loud mouth or maybe it was my silence. Maybe we had spent less time together. At that exact moment, it rained. As I watched raindrops accumulating on my new dress, I laughed at how I was crying. 

Maybe we've both stopped trying.

Bottles.

She hummed the song while she was washing the dishes. It was the song that had too many versions she didn't even know which version was the original anymore. Pardon the way that I stare - true; she had always stared at the boy she liked; There's nothing else to compare - true; there were times when the boy seemed like the most beautiful thing on Earth; The sight of you leaves me weak - true; sometimes, she admitted shyly; There are no words left to speak - true; she didn't feel the need to explain this beautiful feeling of liking someone so much. 

Wait - what's the next line? She thought.

And if you feel like I feel, please let me know that it's real.

And she stopped humming. That didn't sound right (she meant that it did, but the meaning didn't). She wondered why the songwriter put his/her words that way.

And, when millions of people were swooned by the song, she felt insulted by that one line. If you feel like I feel? No - her feelings were the most authentic feeling to her she doubted if someone else could feel the same. And besides, could Angelina Jolie love Brad Pitt the same way as Juliet loved Romeo? The extent might be the same, but they would never have the same way. And her mind wandered to all those goodnight wishes she sent him and how she worried if he had a good meal after a long day working. The feeling - it must be entirely different from what anyone else feels. 

And isn't unrequited love the most beautiful of all? the question popped into her head. Because it's enough for you to love someone without requiring the same from him or her. Because his or her happiness might lie with someone else but it means your own happiness, altogether. She smiled, shyly, again.

If only she could preserve her feelings in a sterile jar and take it out at night - the jar would have glimmered with all sorts of colours. And she wondered how everybody else's would be.

Jujur.

Ini adalah aku.

Aku rindu 

Aku takut hilang kamu

dan

Setiap malam aku

bersyukur pada Tuhanku

sebab temukan kita di situ.

Macam pasir

yang kau jejak setiap incinya

Itulah hidup aku

ada kamu dimana-mana.

22

Young, wild, and carefree.

When you were sitting next to me.

Those eye contacts meant just for me.

When everything made us happy.

The sweetest guy that you could be.

That never-ending energy.

Unspoken promises of what we'll be.

Now, we're just adults, trying to survive as the day goes by, trying to make ends meet by kissing our fun goodbye. I truly miss you and us, how we would walk together and talk about things no one else bothered. Those little things that reminded me of you, I'll keep them forever. Just in case the world turned a hundred-eighty degrees and you, safely and soundly, came back to me.

broken thoughts

Yesterday:
You are like a secret garden I would sneak into every night, just to watch the stars.

Last month:
Looking at your pimples and thinking how perfect you are.

Two days ago:
Oh you won't mention me. OMG you did!

Last night:
I'm not missing you.
Just now:
Fuck that dream.

Yesterday:
You won't call. You were busy with someone else.

Two days ago:
How do I deserve to get someone as sweet as you?

Always:
I like you. No I don't. Fuck that. I love you. Wait, maybe I don't. Please be with me, always.