just in case we fight.

come to think of it, i've never written a tribute to our relationship. so here goes.


actually, we are no longer a couple. 
but rest assured, i still has much love for him as he has for me.
if people see him, they would no doubt feel he's very mediocre.
not much looks, no money either.
but he's good-looking enough for me, lovable enough for me.
enough that i never feel like searching for another.


i'm a Scorpio, a.k.a. one of the most hard-to-handle in the horoscope.
that's true, because i am always super cerewet and super sensitive.
i may blow up when you least expect it and i'm very good at annoying you.
yet it is a miracle that in these three years, he managed to still stay by my side.


i remember when he fell asleep and i was so goddamned angry because i was hungry.
i wrote many kinds of mean things about him on Twitter.
i met him at D.E. and left him just like that to follow my friends to somewhere else.
i blew up just because he was looking at somewhere else when i was talking.
i cried when he hung out with his friends; thinking i was no longer important to him.
there are many more incidents to prove that i can really be a total bitch.
amazingly, he is the only one who is able to put up with all that.


sure, we might fought more than we loved.
but at the end of the day, he would always be the one who came running, saying sorry.
what more do i want?
i wouldn't trade him for the whole world.


lately, we never even had a fight.
i found myself falling more and more in love with him.
true, he still makes mistakes. but i do, too.
he can still accept me after everything, so why shouldn't i do the same?
maybe it is time to say: i don't care about his flaws anymore.


although we were no longer in a relationship, that doesn't mean we were not in love.
thanks for these three years, my dear.
i will try my best to be your most reliable guardian angel.
though i may say i'm in love with a thousand people,
when the night comes i would still be running towards you.
because i'm wearing a shining armour and you are my magnet. :)

i love you.

symbiosis.

He clearly had no idea how his life would change after he met her on the side of the road that day. It was raining - even the weather was agreeing with his mood. The broken-hearted boy walked along the deserted road when dawn was approaching. Then, he saw her sitting by the end of the road. Just a nobody, he thought, someone I knew from school. Yet, his feet dragged him to her. "Hey," he uttered. She smiled back - quite reluctantly - to his thinking. Surprisingly, he didn't mind. And surprisingly, as much as he loved the rain and the feeling of being alone, he also felt like being beside her. 

He clearly had no idea. In just two years, she strode casually into his life - his lover, his friends, his past... Already he sensed her specialty, and also her feelings toward him - a mixture of crush, care, and just a little bit of hate. No matter how small the hatred was, he resented it. What he really resented more was how often he could not fathom her feelings and reactions. This girl was far from predictable.

He could not remember the first time he ever talked about his problem - about how he hated his one classmate whom he used to love. Surprisingly, she just listened. There was no expression in her eyes, yet he knew she was empathizing. It was magic. It drew him nearer to her. What started as a simple conversation in the restaurant brought to long heart-to-heart talks under the starry sky. He loved to be beside this girl especially when he was broken, as this girl simply knew how to patch things up with only her being herself. Despite that, she didn't know her abilities and this made him loved her more.

*******************************

She resented that time she met him by the road, one rainy night. She had always resented him, a boy whom he had always observed from afar, always arrogant-looking and always hanging out with girls. She turned her admiration towards resentment, and thus, hated him. Of all times, why now? And why the hell was he talking to her? His inquiries were treated a bit coldly, camouflaged by her smile.

She clearly did not know him. From the start, she saw the clown inside him - the desire to always joke and drew smiles on people's faces. Then, he was also childish and adorable. But slowly, she unraveled his true personality by walking into his life. It must be fate that he once blurted out his problems to her, at the restaurant. And how, since then, they would always lay under the starry sky, talking. Ironic, she thought, the one whom she once adored, then hated, was finally being someone worth enough to be put under her care.

He was foul-mouthed - she was aware of that. Thus, she always, jokingly, pointed this out to him. She loved how he would get mad at her but still talked to her about his concerns. She loved how he camouflaged his feelings towards her, how he occasionally said sweet things to her without him realizing it, how he took care of her and at the same time scolding her. She loved him for his flaws, despite the fact that he always see himself as perfect. She loved to take care of him, repaying how he took care of her, too.

He changed as he knew her, and she changed as she knew him.

He needed her as much as she needed him.

His weakness turned to be his greatest attraction, and her weakness turned to be the one he loved most.

Sure, they have the rarest relationship of all.

reasons for everything

there is a reason i don't correct your wrongs. it's either 

a) i think you're big enough to see your own mistakes, 

b) i don't want to be too attached to you, or 

c) i just don't bother anymore.

there is a reason i'm being nice to you. it's either

a) i deeply care about you,

b) i'm just playing along with your acts, or

c) i really really look up to you.

there is a reason for my silence. it's either

a) i want to listen to you, and empathize.

b) i think that there is no point of talking.

c) i'm spacing out.

go on, pick your categories.

although i can (i think) be accounted as a quite good listener,

i have a big flaw.

if you did something to me, directly,

i'd lose trust in you.

and eventually, i'll stop caring for you.

but don't be depressed.

i have grown to like you so much,

this entry's tone is to camouflage the joy i'm hiding right now.

:)

penyerap duka.

aku tak pandai berkata-kata. memang loser gila. terkadang masa orang rancak bercerita, aku boleh diam seribu bahasa. orang mungkin, dan selalu juga, dah salah sangka. tapi orang tak sedar apa yang sedang aku rasa. masa aku diam, punya banyak benda berlaku dalam aku punya minda. aku mencari kata yang sesuai dengan keadaan semasa. tapi apa orang pikir lain dengan apa yang aku rasa.

aku boleh jadi pendengar setia. aku boleh masuk dalam pelbagai cerita. aku boleh teka perasaan watak utama dan watak kelilingnya. masa kau bercerita, aku selalu pikir apa yang akan aku buat jika aku si dia. tapi kelemahan aku adalah aku pikir terlalu lama. terkadang aku lupa nak berkata-kata. dan bila katanya sudah aku jumpa, si pencerita dah beralih topik pula. heh.

kisah aku, dah lama aku tak cerita. pada sesiapa, walaupun pada si putera raja mahupun sahabat yang suka ketawa. tapi aku suka keadaan begini sampai bila-bila. kisah aku, tiada apa. berbanding mereka yang datang bercerita. lagipun, mendengar orang bercerita lagi buat aku lega. sekurang-kurangnya mereka tak pendam rasa. buat orang lapang dada, itu memang aku suka.

aku bukan sesiapa. itu fakta. atau sekurang-kurangnya, itu apa yang aku rasa. aku cuma harap aku dapat lukis senyuman di wajah mereka, dengar cerita mereka, serap segala duka.

sebab nama aku Span.

kisah cinta separuh hala.

aku adalah sebiji belon warna merah, sederhana. aku tak besar mana, tapi aku gembira. satu hari, aku rasa nak terbang saja. terbang dan terbang, lihat dunia luar sana. aku terbang melintasi pokok-pokok yang ada, sampai aku terjumpa dia.

dia, seorang budak lelaki kecil. nama dia Adik. Adik ambil tali aku, bawa aku pulang ke rumah. aku mengikut saja, sebab aku suka lihat Adik ketawa. aku suka lihat orang lain gembira, walaupun aku cuma belon sederhana. Adik ikat tali aku di tombol pintu, lalu Adik lari dalam pelukan papa. aku tak kenal mereka, tapi aku senyum lihat mereka bahagia.

Adik selalu bawa aku jalan-jalan lihat dunia. aku gembira lihat dia gembira. tapi aku lagi gembira bila dia selalu isi aku dengan udara. dari sekecil muka, aku membesar bersama-samanya. kami ceria bersama, jalan-jalan sini-sana. bila pulang ke rumah, Adik ikat tali aku di tombol pintu, lalu Adik lari dalam pelukan papa. papa pun selalu teman Adik lihat aku dengan ceria.

satu masa, Adik dan papa tinggalkan aku seminggu lama. terikat aku di tombol pintu itu sahaja. tiada dunia, habuk meliputi muka. udara mula meninggalkan raga. bila Adik balik, aku lihat kesakitan Adik di muka. papa diam seribu bahasa. kenapa?

Adik makin selalu bawa aku jalan bersamanya. bila dia sedih, marah, kecewa, dia isi aku dengan udara. dan aku lihat dia pulih seketika. bila aku membesar semula, dia kembali ketawa. masa itu aku mula berazam, aku takkan tinggalkan dia. Adik punya perbuatan dan kata, aku sudah boleh meneka. itu buat aku istimewa. sebab yang boleh teman Adik, aku seorang saja.

Adik bawa aku pulang, ikatku di tombol pintu semula. tiba-tiba papa datang bawa gula-gula. terus Adik menjerit gembira, lalu Adik lari dalam pelukan papa. papa dukung Adik dan mereka menari macam dunia ini mereka yang punya. tapi Adik tak sedar hari ini taliku longgar ikatannya. aku menjerit, meminta, tapi mereka dengan dunia mereka. perlahan aku terbang jauh dari mereka. aku terlanggar bucu meja. sakit, macam tercucuk duri berbisa. 

aku keluar dari sana. kenapa? azam aku untuk tak tinggalkan Adik, apa kesudahannya? ironik, perbuatanku sendiri aku tak mampu nak teka. biarlah aku bawa diri kemana-mana. tapi dalam hati masih tak putus meminta - Adik, sebelum terlewat, peganglah taliku semula. dan aku akan menjadi teman yang paling setia. jika tidak, aku akan kembali menjadi sederhana. musnah rasa percaya.

sebab aku sayang dia.