Fish

I know people say there's plenty of fish in the sea.

But there's only one Nemo. :)

Once Upon a Time

I rarely do crazy, embarrassing things unless I'm really comfortable in a situation.

I once laid down on the pavement at a park, in the middle of people. I felt so carefree, so content.

I got myself a boyfriend several weeks after.

Six months later, he said, "When I saw you doing something no other girl dared to do, that's when I knew I got to have you."

It turned out he was one of the people there at the park that time.

***

It's either a fiction of the mind, or he was telling a lie.

Life couldn't be that dreamy.

Growing Up

Why can't losing ever make us happy? Over time, it will, I guess. But what about that period from where you started losing something to the point of you accepting the fact that it's lost?

I lost my cat today. He was always not the strong type - the one that should be fighting with other cats or go venturing with other cat warriors, sneaking around to scare the chickens. He got his left leg injured when he was little (before he was handed to me) and that was when I knew he should just live snuggly at our home, laying on our laps and playfully putting its paws to our cheeks. 

But my little Abu was also stubborn (I wonder where did he inherit the trait though haha) and went about eating everything my dad threw at him and went squabbling with other cats. Seeing that lump on his chest was enough for me to know that he was going to get sick in no time. And he did.

His stubbornness got him living longer than he should, though. Long enough for me to forget how fragile he was. As stupid as humans are, I thought my baby was going to live forever. At least long enough for him to be healthy again. For a while, he did look like he was going to get better. He ate a lot and played a lot, then he got sick for the second time.

It was worse this time. It turned out the lump on his chest was actually full with pus. He had to go to the vet and get a small hole so his pus could start flowing out. Over the last four months I was busy working, his health also slowly left him - just like I did. :(

When he just stopped breathing today, I was at work. Today was my last day of work, too - how ironic that is? I intended to resign early so that I could take more care of him, but deep in my heart I knew that I no longer want him to suffer. I accepted his death with no regrets, but the pain still lingers.

Rest in peace, Adik. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you were leaving, but I hope my absence lessens my pain. Thank you for being the greatest.

 

Maybe

I came back home to the scene of you lying lazily on the couch, flipping channels on the TV. "Hey," I said, but you didn't answer. Cool, maybe you didn't hear me. I took off my heels and purposefully let them fell from my hands to the floor. The sound made you flinched, but you kept your eyes on the screen. 

I kinda hovered (I don't know why I describe it as hovering, maybe because my audible footsteps didn't even make you turn around) and slumped myself beside you. I played with your hair, whispered "I miss you" in your left ear. You mumbled something like "me too". Maybe you thought I was being too clingy, maybe you were tired, maybe you were troubled and you needed some space. So I kissed your forehead and went upstairs.

Or maybe you thought I was kidding when I told you I missed you? I thought of that while I was showering. So I reached for my phone and typed "I really do" and sent it to you. I quickly regretted it, though. Maybe I was too clingy, maybe I overreacted, maybe I thought too much, maybe I was too childish. Your "Do what?" reply confirmed that.

I put on my new dress and that perfume that you liked. I went downstairs and hugged you from behind. "Hey, what's the matter?" I spoke. It took you a few seconds to say "nothing". "Are you okay, sweetheart?" I put my hands on his cheeks but you pushed them away.

****************

Later, I found myself strolling alone at the park I loved so much. You must know where it is, the one I told you about, the one we went to when I wanted to share the night sky with you. I sat on the bench and looked at the sky. Maybe you were tired when you replied "I'm bored of us." earlier. Maybe I didn't love you enough, because I managed to laugh it off and said "Me too." Maybe you were bitter ever since we fought about whose problems were bigger. Maybe it was my loud mouth or maybe it was my silence. Maybe we had spent less time together. At that exact moment, it rained. As I watched raindrops accumulating on my new dress, I laughed at how I was crying. 

Maybe we've both stopped trying.

Bottles.

She hummed the song while she was washing the dishes. It was the song that had too many versions she didn't even know which version was the original anymore. Pardon the way that I stare - true; she had always stared at the boy she liked; There's nothing else to compare - true; there were times when the boy seemed like the most beautiful thing on Earth; The sight of you leaves me weak - true; sometimes, she admitted shyly; There are no words left to speak - true; she didn't feel the need to explain this beautiful feeling of liking someone so much. 

Wait - what's the next line? She thought.

And if you feel like I feel, please let me know that it's real.

And she stopped humming. That didn't sound right (she meant that it did, but the meaning didn't). She wondered why the songwriter put his/her words that way.

And, when millions of people were swooned by the song, she felt insulted by that one line. If you feel like I feel? No - her feelings were the most authentic feeling to her she doubted if someone else could feel the same. And besides, could Angelina Jolie love Brad Pitt the same way as Juliet loved Romeo? The extent might be the same, but they would never have the same way. And her mind wandered to all those goodnight wishes she sent him and how she worried if he had a good meal after a long day working. The feeling - it must be entirely different from what anyone else feels. 

And isn't unrequited love the most beautiful of all? the question popped into her head. Because it's enough for you to love someone without requiring the same from him or her. Because his or her happiness might lie with someone else but it means your own happiness, altogether. She smiled, shyly, again.

If only she could preserve her feelings in a sterile jar and take it out at night - the jar would have glimmered with all sorts of colours. And she wondered how everybody else's would be.