Creativity

I always envy those people who can draw using those computer software or mobile applications. I'm stuck with the plain old pen and paper, and if I'm feeling a bit boastful, I'd snap a picture of my artwork and post it on the net or something. Not even a scanner, eh?

To be honest, I do have a scanner. I can download some Photoshop. I can learn on how to use each brush, each stroke, from all those tutorials on YouTube. But all those require effort, and you should never underestimate my laziness. I can draw one thing, decide on inking it, and that's it. I'd feel too tired I'd go to bed straight away. 

Maybe my personal opinion, but I don't think creativity requires effort. It will just magically appear the moment you move your hands and make whatever is in your head comes to life. Then again, maybe those people don't even think Photoshop/GIMP/etc. requires effort, thus the pretty drawings, obviously more sophisticated than mine. T.T

Creativity is too subjective I don't even think you should judge it. You can draw a horse that looks like a cat, and it will look like creativity to me. You can write one short paragraph about today's weather and someone else will always interpret it as something else. Human beings are creative - in whatever it is they do - if only we look long enough we start to see what's behind it.

You know what else is creative and effortless? Your feelings. 

Used to.

I used to like the phrase "used to".

I used to think liking you is ponies and puppies.

I used to think my feelings were nothing short of magical.

I used to think love (or whatever this is) is rainbow after the rain.

I used to watch you from a distance just to save that glimmer in your eyes whenever you laugh securely in my brain.

I used to... be an optimist.

I won't say everything is falling apart now, because it's not. I'm not crying -- I'm far from feeling sad. But I look at you now and -- the magic is no longer there. I can not remember you for a few days straight and it doesn't hurt. I can read those hurtful messages you sometimes write to me because you're being moody and not be affected by them. I can not feel jealous whenever you hang out with other girls.

I won't say I don't like you anymore, because I still do. But the right word is just -- disenchanted. Maybe I'm starting to like you. For real. 

Love. What are the odds?

Fish

I know people say there's plenty of fish in the sea.

But there's only one Nemo. :)

Once Upon a Time

I rarely do crazy, embarrassing things unless I'm really comfortable in a situation.

I once laid down on the pavement at a park, in the middle of people. I felt so carefree, so content.

I got myself a boyfriend several weeks after.

Six months later, he said, "When I saw you doing something no other girl dared to do, that's when I knew I got to have you."

It turned out he was one of the people there at the park that time.

***

It's either a fiction of the mind, or he was telling a lie.

Life couldn't be that dreamy.

Growing Up

Why can't losing ever make us happy? Over time, it will, I guess. But what about that period from where you started losing something to the point of you accepting the fact that it's lost?

I lost my cat today. He was always not the strong type - the one that should be fighting with other cats or go venturing with other cat warriors, sneaking around to scare the chickens. He got his left leg injured when he was little (before he was handed to me) and that was when I knew he should just live snuggly at our home, laying on our laps and playfully putting its paws to our cheeks. 

But my little Abu was also stubborn (I wonder where did he inherit the trait though haha) and went about eating everything my dad threw at him and went squabbling with other cats. Seeing that lump on his chest was enough for me to know that he was going to get sick in no time. And he did.

His stubbornness got him living longer than he should, though. Long enough for me to forget how fragile he was. As stupid as humans are, I thought my baby was going to live forever. At least long enough for him to be healthy again. For a while, he did look like he was going to get better. He ate a lot and played a lot, then he got sick for the second time.

It was worse this time. It turned out the lump on his chest was actually full with pus. He had to go to the vet and get a small hole so his pus could start flowing out. Over the last four months I was busy working, his health also slowly left him - just like I did. :(

When he just stopped breathing today, I was at work. Today was my last day of work, too - how ironic that is? I intended to resign early so that I could take more care of him, but deep in my heart I knew that I no longer want him to suffer. I accepted his death with no regrets, but the pain still lingers.

Rest in peace, Adik. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you were leaving, but I hope my absence lessens my pain. Thank you for being the greatest.