depressed - it's normal. emo? NOT COOL.

depression has always been connected with being emo. you know what emo is? the kind of feelings when you see EVERYTHING as negative. shouting at people is a way to express anger and frustration. when carving your arms with a knife, and suicidal notions look tempting and delicious.

okay, i'm not going to focus on the 'hurting yourself' part. i'm just going to say something about shouting at people.

you know, honey, sometimes people might not realize that you're having a problem or you're mad and sad and frustrated and all. not if you don't open up to them. sometimes people are also just trying to be nice. that's why they ask you what your problems are and if they could be some help. some even just said hi to you nicely.

then, what makes you feel that it's okay to utter rude remarks to them, shout at them? and when you feel like it's okay, you just revert to your old self and never apologise. sweetie, we're not your rag dolls to be thrown around when you're mad and hugged when you're happy. we, too, have feelings. we, too, are sometimes depressed. it's just that we choose not to be emo. :P

if you feel like you've done something like this, apologising won't hurt you one bit, okay? i once done this - i was talking to a friend of mine about my problems and suddenly another friend came and ask a question. i got mad cuz he kept asking and i just shout to him "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" and the shock on his face made me feel so g*ddamned guilty that i apologised right on the spot. still, just apologising won't heal the shock you get when you're being shouted at, quite suddenly. so i treated him to a lil' Big Apple doughnut to show how i really meant it.

though it happened a year ago, it was still fresh in my mind and i started to curse my bad mouth every time i remembered that incident. T___T

and another thing, dear, just open up whenever you want to. maybe you think that other people have their own problems, but hey, i'm not like that. so just tell me anything you want to tell, okay? as long as you can release your negative feelings and back to the happy you. :)

i love you. jgn emo-emo ye. ;)

depresi

1. hari ini adalah hari yg sangat shitty.

2. the feeling when the outcome of your assignment doesn't match your effort.

3. when you're sooooo tired but you can't rest cuz others are counting on you to help them.

4. people bringing themselves up by tearing others down.

5. working my ass off just to let someone else takes all the credits.

6. when someone you love told you that this is just a small matter.

7. when i can't bring myself to have even one speck of positiveness in me right now.

8. when some people see their problems bigger than others.

i seriously need to go out and have a drink, just to cool my mind down. but how strange! at times like this i never know whom to call. :(

nevertheless, i know some of my friends are experiencing the same thing as i do. don't give up dears, i'll try my best to help you whenever i can. i love you guys :')

depression+burnout+anxiety+negativity.

and this is only, like, the second month of the semester? T____T

our second year

together. despite our constant bickering and laughing, we managed to come this far. really, it's NOT easy, being with the same person for so long. how could he stand me? :D

well, dahling, though we did not go and celebrate it with a candlelight dinner (well, candles depan rumah aku tu dah cukup) or somewhere expensive (a hint for Kenny Rogers'), i still think it was better - though the absence of claypot rice made me REALLLLL disappointed.

googling this image makes me want to facescreen.

we just went to the Noodle Station at Plaza Alam Sentral - it has always been my favourite place of eatery. i brought this VERY big piece of drawing paper, rolled. when he asked, i just told him that i need to return it back to the place where i bought it cuz someone had scribbled on it.

he believed it until i told him to open up the piece of paper and a cuter version of him came falling down (LOL). 

looks small aite?

 real size. 

ok la tu 1/3 dari saiz sebenar. :D

seeing his surprised and elated expression was enough for me that night. he couldn't stop thanking me the whole night, and after we ate we went to hang out with encik pain dan cik aribah. :D

well, i gotta say thanks to some people, too.

so, thanks ungku sebab sanggup pakai lawa-lawa semalam sampai semua orang ingat awak ada kelas malam. thanks lin, you've been a very big help by lending me that big set of pencil colours. thanks monmon and others for your opinions regarding what i should give to the big guy. and thanks for everyone who pray that we'll last forever. i love you guys, top notch! ;)

so, encik ungku,

agak-agak bila awak nak bagi saya hadiah pulak? :D

dreams

okay, tajuk kita hari ini adalah dreams. dan ianya bukan tentang impian, ianya adalah semata-mata tentang mimpi.

buat pengetahuan semua, mimpi saya biasanya terbahagi kepada dua. 

1) mimpi yang pelik2. 

contohnya mimpi kena kejar hantu/vampire - ini adalah mimpi yg paling selalu saya dapat. orang kata, mimpi kena kejar ni bermakna ada kerja yg kita belum siapkan lagi. wallahualam. bagi saya, ini adalah kesan saya selalu tidur lepas asar/maghrib. hehe. selain itu, ada jugak mimpi yg banyak kali tunjuk image saya nak pergi semayang (please note the word 'pergi', cuz everytime i tried to pray in that dream, something/someone always stop my intention) dan mimpi nak kencing (ini perkara biasa kan?) :D

2) mimpi tentang seseorang.

biasanya, org2 yg saya rindu subconsciously akan masuk dalam mimpi. kenapa saya kata subconsciously? sebab saya selalu tak sedar saya rindu mereka. contohnya bebudak maahad, dan ibu bapa saya. that also explains why i never dreamt about ungku or teslians (sebab dah hari2 jumpa! hehe).

tadi saya mimpi about something sad. here goes;

saya balik rumah weekend ni. then mama cakap "tikah, kau belajar la bawak kereta time cuti ni." tiba-tiba faris menyampuk "mama suruh kakak bawak kereta tapi takde kereta pun nak bagi." mama terus tersentap, dia terus keluar dari bilik kitorang and she just said "jangan cakap macam tu dengan bapak kau, nanti dia..." then she left just like that.

later, aku baru lepas mandi, terjumpa mama kat dapur. she backed away from me cuz she's doing something at the kitchen sink. i kinda apologized about the car thingy and she said

"mama tahu, korang memang selalu pikir kenapa mama papa cakap something, tapi tak pernah buat. *paused, her voice breaks a little* tapi cuba kau pikir, kau pun dah selalu buat macam tu kat mama. cuba kau bayangkan, mama papa dah excited nak amik kau bawak balik rumah masa weekends, sanggup duduk dalam traffic jam lama-lama, mama pulak sakit, papa kau baru balik kerja. tapi bila sampai dekat kau, kau boleh cakap tak jadi nak balik rumah."

dan aku mintak maaf bebanyak kali sampai rasa nak nangis sampailah a neighbour of ours came into the picture. mama just brushed away her sadness, smiled, and told me to go upstairs and rest. dan time tulah aku terbangun dengan perasaan down yg teramat-amat.

ya, aku rindu mama papa aku. i wish i can hug her and not let go and tell her how much i love her. i wish i can kiss my dad's cheeks without backing away so fast because of the embarrassment. i wish when we were little, mama and papa taught us to hug them whenever we want to say thank you and kiss them when we want to say "i love you". instead, they never show that they need those things, what's important is that we have enough of everything. right now, even buying them something, to me, is something very hard to do.

and this might also stemmed from yesterday: ungku cakap parents dia nak buat something utk dia, and i ended up saying "ala entah2 tak jadi. kan dah selalu jadi macam tu." i'm sorry for being so badmouthed T____T

nak balik. sob sob.

tips menjadi blogger famous.

kembali ke studio bersama cik atiqah yg baik hati. eh, apa kena-mengena? ahhhh bantailah. okay2, hari ni saya nak membebel tentang "how to become a famous blogger". tapi yg uniknya, tips ini adalah berasaskan dari pemerhatian saya terhadap blogger2 famous di seluruh malaysia. haha. eh tergelak pulak.

okay. now *drum rolls* mempersembahkan cara2 dia!

1) buat entry menarik.

maksud saya menarik adalah buat satu entry yg boleh relate dgn semua org. contohnya buat psl astro, sbb semua org kan ada astro kat rumah, kecuali saya. tapi jgn lupa, bahasa pun mesti best. jangan la bagi ayat macam ni:

titew ckew astewo (astro) cbb astewo byk citew besh! caaaaaaaayunk astewo!

kalau blog dia merupakan sebuah folder, saya akan letak ia dalam recycle bin. sbb dia banyak rubbish. get the joke? hahahahahaha. okay. ehemmm. 

selain penggunaan bahasa yg chantek, anda dinasihatkan supaya tidak meletakkan widget annoying - terutamanya lagu yg tak boleh dicari butang pause-nya. lagu justin bieber juga boleh diklasifikasikan sebagai annoying. selain itu, tolonglah jangan pet ikan dalam blog. dahlah boleh bagi makan je. kalau boleh goreng best la jugak application tu. 

okay, next, avoid using preposterous bombastic words because your readers might not have the ability to decipher your meaning, thus will vote to demolish your blog. *cricket sounds*

ehem ehem. okay. tapiiiiiii, there is a fatal drawback to this tip. sebenarnya, tips ini cuma 100% berjaya kalau. anda. seorang. lelaki. dan. by the way. type. macam. ni. juga. sangat. annoying. macam. laptop. kau. ada. asthma. ha, jangan condemn fact tu, kan saya kata tips-tips ini berasaskan pemerhatian saya. haha.

so, cemana kita, blogger perempuan nak up-kan blog kita? okay *drum rolls louder* here it is, the ultimate tip!!!

2) tepek muka kau besar-besar dekat belog.

sekali lagi, jangan condemn saya. saya tidak bersalah. hihi. tapi menurut pemerhatian saya, gambar memainkan peranan penting dalam menaikkan traffic belog. "pernah ada satu time, ika (bukan nama sebenar) letak gambar tak menarik dalam belog, unique visitors ika terus turun mendadak! sedih sangat masa tu," kata seorang blogger wanita dlm belog dia.

kalau anda semua rasa anda kurang cantik tepek gambar muka besar-besar, ataupun takut dicop mencapub, okay takpe. sila buat photoshoot dengan member-member. gerenti traffic naik! hahaha.

oleh kerana saya pun blogger perempuan. so, saya nak try lah tepek muka sendiri besar-besar. here, go.

eh, apa ni. buruk perangai. next!

 gambar muka la beruk!

nah amik nak sangat. haha

begitulah ending rancangan "Blogger Terlampau" pada hari ini. maafkan saya kerana sendiri fefeeling letak muka dalam belog. kesimpulannya, apa guna follower ramai kalau blog takde isi. lagi satu, kalau peminat amik gambar, buat benda bukan-bukan cemana? menangis-nangislah kita blogger wanita ni nanti. hihi. Assalamualaikum! ;D

genre muzik pujaan.

okay, setelah seminggu lebih saya tidak mengupdate blog, kini saya kembali. dengan entry yang lebih bermakna, lebih panjang, dan semestinya lebih impersonal supaya kita sama-sama dapat relate. okay, i'm going to stop this crap. niat dihati nak memperkasakan bahasa melayu but instead it got diffused with english. -___-"'

*************************************

seperti yg anda semua tahu, or mungkin tidak tahu, permulaan minggu saya adalah sangat awhsome. saya telah pergi ke tanjung malim utk melawat kawan saya di upsi. apa yg saya nak cakap, bila penduduk tanjung malim nampak seseorang yg rupa macam student universiti, automatik mereka akan panggil student tu 'cikgu'. ini menunjukkan betapa famousnya upsi di tanjung malim.

baiklah, itu bukan main idea saya. apa yg saya ingin ceritakan disini pada hari ini adalah 'genre muzik pujaan saya'. sebenarnya, semalam kepala hotak saya tidak boleh berhenti memikirkan lagu-lagu favourite di sekolah lama dulu. kalau ada yg tak tahu, saya dulu disekolahkan di SMKA Maahad Hamidiah Kajang. ya, memang ramai yg tak percaya. takpelah. :D

berbalik kepada buah fikiran utama (main idea) saya, saya di maahad dulu adalah kaki layan lagu-lagu good charlotte dan my chemical romance. tapi sebenarnya........ saya juga ada secret liking to nasyid.

apa? atiqah minat nasyid??

ya. dan sekarang saya akan beritahu rahsia saya meminati nasyid. pertama; di sekolah saya ada group nasyid yg dinamakan Mirwana. mirwana ni sebenarnya ada untuk setiap batch dan dinamakan ikut generasi. macam batch saya, mirwana dah sampai generasi ke-15 dah. tapi mirwana yg dikenali ramai haruslah mirwana generasi ke-5. alah, yg dulu ada faizal tahir tuuu.

ui gambo oldies gila. haha

masa mirwana mula-mula keluar, saya tak suka langsung dengan group tu. firstly, terlalu ramai budak perempuan minat, sampai dah jadi fandom. seperti yg saya selalu tekankan, saya tak suka benda yg ramai org minat. tapi oleh sbb akak-akak senior obses gila dgn group nasyid ni, dorang akan pasang tiap-tiap pagi sabtu dan ahad kuat-kuat biar satu aspuri (asrama puteri) dengar. menyirappppp aku. tapi bila dah lama-lama, masa jenjalan sesorang pegi kantin, tiba-tiba mulut saya terkeluar lagu "aku tanpa cintamu" yg famous tu. terus rasa macam wtf! aku pun dah terjebak! T____T

tapi sebenarnya saya memang jatuh cinta dengan lagu mirwana batch lain, especially batch bebudak Form 5 masa saya Form 1, dan Form 5 masa saya Form 2 (kak syud sila kembang hidung sekarang hehe). lagu2 tu semua boleh buat ketaq lutut - bukan sebab suara abg2 tu yg sedap atau muka dorg yg kacak je tau. muahahah. tapi serius lagu2 tu sedap, especially yg dalam bahasa arab. time aku form 1 dan form 2 ni lah, sekolah aku banyak menang pertandingan nasyid sampai peringkat kebangsaan.

lama-lama tanpa saya sedari (maafkan saya sbb sesuka hati tukar kata ganti nama diri juga), saya mula ternyanyi-nyanyi lagu2 ni. dari ternyanyi-nyanyi, tangan pulak mula mengetuk segala permukaan objek yg boleh dilakonkan sebagai alat percussion. benda ni jadi paling dahsyat masa form 3 sbb time tu kitorang dah ada bilik study sendiri. tiap kali lepak dlm bilik study mesti menyanyi nasyid diselang-selikan dengan lagu2 dari hitz.fm. ya, sesungguhnya puncak keremajaan dan kekeliruan identiti kita adalah semasa form 3.

sila fokus pada pemakaian tudung saya. konon gengster la tu.

disebabkan oleh obsesi nasyid dan percussion ini, kitorang akhirnya join pertandingan nasyid masa malam aktiviti untuk puteri. masa form 3, kami dapat nombor 3 dari semua batch. pergh terasa otai gila masa tu. saya  rasa saya paling excited masa tu sbb dapat ketuk conga. yang real! masa kami form 5 akhirnya kami dapat tempat pertama. time tu mmg paling-paling-paling bangga.

aku main benda besa gabak kat belakang tu. dah sama tinggi dah T__T

okay, sebagai penutup, saya sebenarnya baru-baru ni emosi sbb tak dapat cari lagu-lagu tu semua. i mean, lagu group nasyid sekolah saya. lagi satu, kalau saya dapat peluang, saya nak sangat main percussion lagi. :')

baiklah, itu saja forum agama kita hari ini dengan tajuk "Berhibur tiada salahnya". hahaha. eh gelak pulak. Assalamualaikum! ;D

let's pray we won't be like 'em

hari ini hari yg redup. mana taknya, aku baru bangun pukul 4 tadi. haha.

kalau tengokkan, cuaca selalu mcm ikut mood aku.

or mood aku yg berubah ikut cuaca?

tapi hari ni, aku rasa sgt in a good mood.

dah takde marah2 kat org dah. 

takde penat2, yelah, tido macam ashabul kahfi. haha.

except that i found this on facebook.

aku tak paham la org2 atheis ni.

dah takde agama tu diam2 jelah, jgn nak menunjukkan kebodohan diri.

konon nak menyedarkan org lain.

aku baca sekali je pun aku dah tau hadis ni palsu.

Nabi tidak bermoral

and the other one, about org yg fitnah ulama'.

kau pun tau kalau kat malaysia, sape je yg kita betul2 angkat as ulama'?

tak lain tak bukan, kan.

Nik Aziz solat dua imam

aku tak terbayang golongan atheis dgn golongan pemfitnah ulama' ni,

macamana lah dorang kat akhirat nanti.

sedangkan aku yg semayang hujung waktu ni pun dah terasa loser gila.

moga dorg dpt hidayah. 

Amin.

*ilmu tu, Allah yg bagi. otak manusia takkan boleh function betul kalau kita tak ikut panduan Dia. that's why org mcm mereka ni nampak tak berilmu. :)

lecturer terlampau (18SX)

semalam hari yg terbukti sgtlah haram.

kena sound dgn lecturer sbb tak dtg kelas dah 3 kali,

lepastu lecturer emosi2 dlm kelas.

pegi sunway best, tapi mengantuk gilaaaa.

terus plan nak makan durian tak jadi! sedih kot :(

lepastu penat gila and mengantuk tahap gaban

lepastu tertidur sampai terlepas semayang maghrib. T__T

malam pulak keluar lepak lagi walaupun mata bengkak sbb nangis+ngantuk

muka terpaksa tu. hihi.

lepastu bawak laptop berat2 ingat nak setelkan journal

tapi tak jadi and last2 pegi jenjalan kat sunway naik kereta

then kencing jap kat KFC sunway lepastu balik rumah.

naik tangga rumah pun dah rasa tak larat sbb overly mengantuk.

sampai rumah terus tidur tak ingat dunia.

hari ni baru rasa okay sikit.

sambung buat journal.

aku tak suka lecturer tu.

ulang suara - tak suka. and that is different with benci.

i tried so hard utk think positive pasal dia,

walaupun dah ramai org story kat aku psl tak puas hati dekat lecturer tu.

bila aku dah jadi lecturer nanti,

aku nak try taknak jadi seorang lecturer yg emosi terlampau. huhu.

also, aku taknak jadi lecturer yg selalu menyampuk cakap org.

dan juga taknak jadi lecturer yg berlagak just because ada masters.

hahahahaha

ok stop. tak elok mengutuk cikgu.

cukup2 la mengutuk lecturer saiko last sem.

to the lecturer:

bagi warning elok2 sudah.

tak datang kelas doesn't mean i don't give a damn bout the subject.

datang kelas hari2 tak bermakna i do give a damn about it.

don't judge a student by his/her actions, 'kay?

and if you label budak,

jgn lupa bebudak pun boleh letak mcm2 label kat you.

i still have some respect for you, btw.

don't go and make me have none and hate you to the core.

whooo! now, back to journal. :)

jangan stop singgah blog aku semata-mata kerna entry ini.T___T

napewlaaaa membe ika sorunk neh. dye asek lupew kat ika jew. geram kowt! dah bapew kali dah dye uat cmneh. uat pew?

dye always la citew sal membe2 lamew dye sebelum dye pindah. and then dye letak la pics membe2 yg dye rindu tuu. tapi yg ika sedeyh, everytym dye uat entry macam tu, tapenah adew muka ika tawww! geram kowt! rasew na nangis jew. :'(

okey, maybe akan adew orunk tanyew, napew ika emosi sgt bile dye uat cenggitu. mestilah! sbbnyew, ika la antara yg rapat dgn dye tau! ika yg slalu dgr problem dye tau! ika bukan na brag, or na ngungkit, tapi ika geram napew dye sukeeeee sgt lupew kat ika! 

lepas dye dah uat ika cenggitu, dye boleh pulak ajak ika jumpew dye! mestilah ika berat hati na pegi! kalaw ika jumpew dye and tangkap2 pics pun, bukannyew muka ika ada kat belog dia kan? muka orunk lain adew pulak. hmmm.

maybe dye uat camneh sbb ika penah uat salah ngan dye dedulu. tapi kalau betullah dia nak balas dendam, baik tayah contact ika terus! ika penah rasew na stop contact dye, tp bila dye adew problem, ika pegi jugak pujok dye aw! ika yg selalu try jaga hati dye yg mmg susah na dijaga tuu! and then, bila ika ckp kat membe ika lg sorunk, ika gitaulah apew yg ika rasa. ika cakap la, "****, asek aku je jaga hati dia. asek aku je kena contact dia dulu." boleh pla membe ika tu marah ika balik aw! dye ckp cmneh, "mana kau tau kau dah jaga hati dia? kau sure ke kau yg sentiasa contact dia dulu?" ergh, ika bengunk (bengang) taw!

skunk neh, membe ika tu ajak ika pegi tempat dye. kalaw ika cakap taknak, mesti dye sentaps kannn! ika geram la, napew dye sorunk je yg adew hak nak sentap? eeeee gerammm!

taklah, aku just nak bagi hadiah ni kat kau, are-bunk remp-it.

*aku rasa urat saraf otak aku tergeliat bila type cenggini.

**read between the lines.

***aku rasa sgt b*bi bila membahasakan diri sendiri sbg ika. f*ck.

kawan, aku sedih kot. everytime kau mention psl membe2 rapat kau masa kat sini dulu, KAU TAK PENAH INCLUDE AKU. mungkin aku takde hak nak sentap. tapi if kau rasa aku bukan kawan rapat kau, kau tapayah la ajak aku sleepover. :'(

wish i could help. wish i had been some help.

i was shocked when he cried in front of us suddenly. 

it is not natural to see him NOT HAPPY.

he always cheer people up, in my sight.

but when things have come to this, how can we cheer him up?

when he cried as he told us the things he'd done and should've done,

i was silent. like a dead mouse.

my thoughts were filled with things that i'd felt useless to say to console him.

i just listen to him talking and people suggesting things he can do.

bapak loser doh aku.

but when he miscalled just now, 

i said all the things that i think i wanna hear, if i'm in his shoes.

and when he said thanks...

i'm glad cuz he pour out a little of his sadness to me.

i feel that i'm actually his friend.

i am actually significant in someone's life.

i may speak lousy words to cheer you up,

but i can be one hell of a good listener when u need me, okay?

may Allah be with you. Amin.

uptown shah alam.

hahahahaha

tajuk yg sangat berkulapuk dan berbau hapak.

sebenarnya kalau cerita psl uptown,

aku mmg pengunjung tegar dia.

suka gila pegi uptown! tgk org, tgk barang, balik.

tp malam ni lain sikit sbb pegi uptown dgn familyyyyyy :)

selalu pegi ngn bebudak shah alam je.

bukan beli barang sangat pun.

ajak mak aku tengok sugar glider. menjerit-jerit dia. hihi.

pembelian sugar glider dah menjadi satu trend baru bebudak universiti.

so aku terus takde minat nak bela. :D

masa memula datang, aku nampak someone muka familiar.

dia dgn awek dia dan lagi dua org member dia.

aku terus mesej bell "eh bell, aku rasa mcm nampak nabil kat uptown."

although i'm still not sure, berdasarkan penerangan bell,

mamat tu betul2 nampak mcm ex dia yg palat tu.

kepada lelaki tersebut dan awek dia,

terima kasihlah sebab buat bestfriend aku bersedih tak hengat dunia.

semoga Tuhan redha kau org pgg2 tgn berpeluk segala.

one thing is, i'm so glad kau tak sempat buat benda2 mcm tu dgn membe aku.

and i respectfully raise my middle finger to you.

eh tetiba jadi post emo. haha

back to the sunny side, happy bila jenjalan dgn family.

tp tadi ramai org. papa pun dah mencarut2 dah. huhu.

balik rumah terus tala satar and otak-otak yg beli kt uptown tadi.

here's something worth trying: uptown's steamboat.

kalau anda terberak-berak lepas makan, sila jgn salahkan saya. :D

esok tengahari balik shah alam. finally! :)